A Letter To You,
Lately, I’ve been thinking and that is never good. I realized that you were the one keeping me sane. And like the last two guys I dated I was relying on you to keep me happy so when you weren’t there, I got upset. That’s not fair to anyone and it wasn’t fair to me when the other guys did it to me. I was stupid to do that and I feel even more stupid now. I should’ve told you all those times that I wasn’t really okay and let you help me because well look where I am now. I always wanted to be there for you and I still do. That’s not going to change. I still genuinely care about you. And again that’s not going to change. Because no matter what ends up happening, you will still be the person that got me through a hard time and made me realize that I can find a good guy that won’t hurt me the way the others did. And I will always be grateful for that. Somehow, I realized that you kept the darkness at bay, but now I am forced to face the darkness. I know I can’t do it alone and I would never ask you to be there. But even now, after everything, I want to be friends just so that way I still have you in my life. Because for once I’m not upset that you didn’t hold on to your promises because almost no one ever does. I’m upset because I don’t want to lose you, the smiles you brought me, the laughs I had, the feeling I got talking to you, and most importantly the conversations we had.
So yeah, I miss you. I’ll say it. I won’t lie about it. Does it make a difference?
Hey guys so this is just a little random excerpt. So sorry I haven’t been online in awhile. I was on a mission trip and in a little book slump. I’m reading Cinder by Marissa Meyer so a review should be up on that next week. I wrote this awhile ago and just wanted to share it. Love you guys and hope everyone is doing well!
Why do I keep getting my hopes up? I mean honestly they always come crashing down. I keep thinking that maybe one day I’ll get lucky, but I never do. Okay, in some cases I have, but in most I haven’t. Like for instance I keep thinking maybe the guy I like will be happy seeing me when he can. And he is. But it’s like I get my hopes up on our plans knowing that they’ll just come crashing down. And they did. It’s not like I should be surprised, this stuff happens all the time. I just thought that maybe I would get lucky this time. Nothing wrong with thinking that, right? But getting your hopes up to watch them crash down in your face… well that hurts. I actually believed him when he said that we would make time to see each other this summer. But between his work, my life at home, and just his life it was almost impossible. What I wouldn’t give to be able to kiss him again. Or just even see his smile. And it’s funny he thought we could make something work while he was at school 4 hours away. Yeah, right! We live 10 minutes from each other and we can’t even make time to see each other now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Oh well. Just pick myself up and forget, like always.
And I knew at that moment I would never be the same again. I knew the color blue would always remind me of his eyes. I knew I couldn’t write or read without thinking of him. I knew I would never be able to leave without feeling guilty. I knew I could never cook like he did. I knew Star Wars would never be the same without him. I knew music would never be the same. I knew I could never be the same. Music would be dull. Life would be dull. Knowing he would never see me graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, walk me down the aisle, or even see my kids. It was heartbreaking. He would never meet the guy I was going to marry. All this flashed through my head in just the span of seconds as I washed his lifeless eyes take his last breath.
I saw him and he was beautiful. Any girl could have gotten him. When he chose me, all I could think was that it was a trap. No guy goes for me. Why would they? Like I said before, I’m not that special. Sure, I wanted to fall in love, but I didn’t think it would be him. It shouldn’t have been him. There’s a whole group of girls out there that are going to be models one day. I want to make movies. I’m a dork. My parents aren’t rich at all. So, why me? Well, it turns out he’s a dork too. You wouldn’t guess that. And for some reason he thinks I’m special. I love him, for him. He sees me just as I am and loves me just the same. His scars are a work of art. I don’t see him ever hurting me. His flaws are perfect to me even though nobody else would think that. He has beautiful eyes that mesmerize me every day. He has a beautiful mind and a great sense of humor. He makes me laugh all the time, He keeps me humble and doesn’t let me get too stressed. He knows me backward and forwards. He just knows me. He’s the best, he’s mine.